Blog Series: What is Complementarianism? Part 4: The Heartbeat of a Healthy Marriage

In this final post in our blog series, we explore how complementarianism plays out in marriage and the home. This conversation is deeply personal for many, especially because certain verses (like those in Ephesians 5) have sometimes been misunderstood, misused, or even weaponized in harmful ways.

ABUSED OR BEAUTIFUL?

Let’s start with what’s probably the most quoted and controversial passage on the topic:

“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church…” (Ephesians 5:22–23)

We need to acknowledge that these verses have been abused in the past. They've been misused to excuse domination, passivity, control, and even emotional or spiritual manipulation. That is not God’s design, His will, or what this passage teaches.

START WITH MUTUAL SUBMISSION

To understand what Paul is saying, we have to go back one verse to find the underlying foundational principle:

 “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)

Put differently: because we love Jesus and have surrendered to His Lordship, we now place others above ourselves in love. The entire household code that follows (including instructions to husbands, wives, children, and servants) is grounded in this overarching call to mutual submission. That means marriage, in the Christian sense, is never about power; it’s about service.

Mutual submission is profoundly countercultural. In a selfish, hyper-individualized world that often asks, “What do I get?” or “How does this make me feel?” or “How can I benefit?”, Christian marriage begins by asking, “How can I serve?” or “How does this make my spouse feel?” or “How will it benefit them?”.  It places the other person ahead of ourselves. It reshapes leadership and submission around the example of Jesus, who loved sacrificially and led by serving. Jesus wasn't a boss, yelling commands at His servants, demanding they do something He would never do Himself. He was a leader who led by example; He walked ahead, served, and sacrificed, giving His flock the freedom to follow safely where He had made a way.

The roles of the wife and husband that follow in verses 22–33 can only work if both partners live with the underlying principle of mutual submission in their hearts. If one spouse fails to live this way, the design breaks down and often leads to abuse or devaluing of the other. As people who have surrendered our lives and will to Christ, we now live with a different heart attitude toward one another. Like a dance that takes two people, the dance of marriage can only work when both are attuned to each other, following the rhythm of mutual submission, placing one another first in love.

DIFFERENT STRUGGLES, NOT DIFFERENT WORTH

Paul’s call to wives and husbands reflects not a power imbalance, but a deep understanding of the unique challenges each gender faces. Some theologians have observed that Paul isn’t necessarily prescribing distinct duties to men and women in Ephesians 5, but rather addressing areas each gender tends to struggle with the most.

• Wives are called to submit, not because they are lesser, but because submission is difficult in a world shaped by sin. We all want control.

• Husbands are called to love, not simply because women need to be loved, but because sacrificial love is hard. It’s easier for men to withdraw or dominate than it is to die to themselves daily for their wives.

So this isn’t a prescriptive list of rules. It’s a Spirit-inspired invitation to face our brokenness honestly and follow Jesus in the areas that challenge us most.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, in his book Love and Respect, makes a good observation about Ephesians 5:33 that highlights the relational dynamic between men and women.

“Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)

He notes that this is not because husbands don’t need love or wives don’t need respect, but because, generally speaking, a husband’s deepest relational craving is respect, and a wife’s is love. When a wife doesn’t feel loved, she often responds with disrespect. When a husband feels disrespected, he tends to withdraw love. This creates what Eggerichs calls the crazy cycle—a repeating loop of misunderstanding, hurt, and emotional disconnection. The call in Ephesians is for each spouse to break the cycle by proactively giving what the other needs most.

What Ephesians 5 does not teach is that the husband being the “head” means the wife must do everything he wants—whether that’s the job he wants her to take, move to the community he prefers, dress the way he wants, or blindly agree with his every decision. Biblical headship does not equal control. It is always modelled after Christ, who led with love, gentleness, sacrifice, and deep honour for His bride.

WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE IN PRACTICE?

In a complementarian marriage:

• The husband carries the responsibility of spiritual leadership—not as a dictator, but as a servant-leader who imitates Christ. He models what life looks like when lived in obedience to the Holy Spirit and God's Word. Research has shown that when a father follows Jesus and actively participates in church life, there is a remarkably high likelihood (over 90%) that the rest of the family will follow—spiritual leadership matters.

• The wife joyfully supports, contributes, and partners in that leadership—not passively, but actively and intelligently.

• Both spouses put each other first. Both are called to submit to Christ. Both are image-bearers, co-heirs of grace, and full participants in the mission of God.

I know you might want something more black-and-white, like “who is supposed to cut the lawn and wash the dishes,” etc. But this is not the text where you will find it. Quite frankly, many of those things are cultural, and in the greater scheme of things, I believe God cares less about who does which chores and more about the posture of our hearts as we serve one another in love. He cares that we know Him, follow Him, are changed by Him, lead our families toward that knowledge, and ultimately be reunited with Him in heaven. The spiritual realities of the world carry greater weight with God than our physical realities. That is why Jesus often pointed to the “Kingdom of Heaven” when people asked questions about practical matters.

LOVE LIKE CHRIST

Ultimately, the defining command in this passage is to love like Christ loved the Church. That love was sacrificial, costly, humble, and holy. It never served itself. It laid down power to lift others up. That’s the heartbeat of biblical headship and submission.

Complementarianism in marriage isn’t about hierarchy; it’s about humility. It’s not about asserting rights; it’s about laying them down in love. And when lived out as God intended, it becomes a picture of Christ and the Church—one of mutual joy, shared purpose, and lasting beauty.

Thank you for journeying with us through this series. We hope it brought clarity, healing, and renewed vision for how men and women can flourish together—at home, in the Church, and in the world—for the glory of God and the flourishing of His people.